I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
