the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I love you. Go after that dick
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
