I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
