i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
