ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
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alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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