I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
