dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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