Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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