girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
