The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
