Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
