when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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