Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
