I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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