i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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