From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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