dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.