ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
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I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying