I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
