Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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