Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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