I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
