Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
