i just wanna soil my oats bro
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
