im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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