i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
