Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
