That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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