Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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