This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
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I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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