So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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