Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
