I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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