sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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