I accidentally had phone sex last night
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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