yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
