I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
