It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
