in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
