i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
