I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
