You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
