You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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