rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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