i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
