My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
