I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
