I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
