I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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