Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
