where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
