i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
did i just pee glitter
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
