bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
