whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
