You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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