I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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