Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
