Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The Olympian is in my bed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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