so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh god it's open bar.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
